ENM is Fucking Hard

Ethical non monogamy is fucking hard. In my experience, so many resources for non monogamous people skip over the reality of the painful, triggering, and/or terrifying experiences that non monogamy can bring into one’s life. I have found myself pretending to be having an easier time and diminishing my experience because I feel scared that I’m not “good enough” to be non monogamous. Or that my intense feelings will push away the people I love.

But I’m so done with that! 

Because even those of us who STRUGGLE deserve to be in non monogamous relationships and deserve to be seen in our truth. It is absolutely possible to be having a hard time (or a REALLY REALLY hard time) and be healthy, kind, consensual, and loving in non monogamy.

I could describe the experiences I’ve had that make non monogamy triggering for me, but I don’t think it really matters. Non monogamy can be fucking hard no matter who you are and what you’ve experienced. There is no minimum trauma requirement to have a hard time, and no minimum amount of hard feelings required to be cared for.

At this time in my life, every week, at some point, I experience an intense amount of fear, sadness, despair, and/or guilt that is activated by my practice of non monogamy. Ive been practicing some kind of ENM for ~4 yrs now. During this time, I’ve had full blown panic attacks during a partner’s date, after receiving new information, or simply thinking too hard about the facts of a situation. I’ve spent so many hours in therapy and in my life processing, crying, grieving, and opening some of the deepest wounds inside me to try and understand all my feelings. I’ve read books, Instagram posts, journaled, talked it out, exercised, faced my feels, practiced magic, and done so much deep breathing. I’m truly lucky to have so many resources available to me, but it’s still hard.

I’ve cultivated incredible communication skills and practiced holding space for multiple different people’s complex feelings at once. I’ve learned about my boundaries, my triggers, I’ve invested in my support system, asked for help, reparented my inner child, and practiced so much self care. These things have helped so much, have helped heal and hold me, but the hard feelings don’t disappear. It’s more like I’m learning to live my life joyfully and peacefully with hard feels. When I’m honest with people in my life about how hard non monogamy is for me they usually ask me “why are you doing it then?” And while I think this question is understandable (because I know it’s hard to see someone you love struggle with pain and grief) I assure you I’m already asking myself that everyday.

And the answer is because I want to. Because this is what I believe in, because of the people I love, because I can’t help but want to enjoy every magnificent human being that comes across my path in the way that feels most honest. Because I do feel compersion, because I want people I love to feel free and whole. I don’t know if I’ll always be non monogamous, but I’m tired of diminishing my experience because my hard feelings are scary to others. There is nothing harmful to myself or others about feeling scared, feeling sad, or feeling alone (feeling anything!) if we have support and love to be in our feelings and if we make kind, responsible choices in how we treat others. 

I’m tired of looking for poly resources and finding over and over again a narrative that reinforces the idea that if it’s hard you’re probably just monogamous and you should maybe just give up. I’m tired of feeling scared to share my truth, to share my feelings, or to share about a hard day because it makes others confused or uncomfortable. This is my life and my truth. I’m insecure a lot of the time, I don’t always believe when people love me, I’m scared of being abandoned, I feel jealousy, I feel fear, I hold a hurt, scared inner child in my body, I’ve got wounds and trauma, and I deserve to be loved through and with all of it. And so do all of us.